Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Start




I’d like to begin by saying thank you for all the well wishes, the prayers and the love all of you sent along. You have no idea how much it means to me and to my family. I'm sorry I could not be here last Thursday.

I have been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes staring at the blank page not knowing where to begin. A small, quiet smile just spread across my face as I realized that I have been looking for the right “opening line.” I am in awe of the way my mind works, how hard it focuses on the little things when I hurt so that the hurt does not seem quite so big.

There is no right way to share this so I will take a deep breath and dive in. I was pregnant. It was new and we were over the moon. My daughter was going to have a little playmate. We had only told family and a few friends as we planned on making a big announcement when I’d reached three months and was safely out of the danger zone. That wasn’t meant to be. On Wednesday – quite suddenly – I lost the baby.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am choosing to share such a deeply personal experience in such a public arena. Well, the reason is simple. Keeping this a secret only adds a weight to it that it does not need; there is enough weight on my heart as it is right now. That is not to say that I want to have a big discussion about it here. I’ve only just come through the physical part of it; I am nowhere near ready to tackle and discuss the emotional. I’m merely sharing because keeping it a secret makes me feel as though I’ve done something wrong and I know, at least in a logical sense, that there was nothing I could have done to stop what was about to happen.

For days, I could do nothing but watch movies; I craved distraction. I could barely read and the mere idea of writing or drawing was a joke. It is only in the last 24 hours that I put pen to paper, that I began to draw and write short sentences. Coming to this page was a huge feat.

My emotions are terribly raw and I exist somewhere between feeling I am the richest woman in the world for all the love and support I have around me, for the blessing that is my family and feeling truly angry at a situation that seems pointless. Yes, I have been searching for answers – that’s the controlling side of me, the side that fights the idea of letting go and instead longs to find meaning, create meaning when I am creating a piece of art or writing. I am aware that there may be no answers.

In choosing to share this with you, I am not looking for a response. I know things like this can make people uncomfortable; you do not need to say anything. I am not trying to make you feel anything. I am simply sharing because in this space we have all been sharing our lives and our journeys. That’s what life is about.

This is my life. These are the imperfections. These are the obstacles and milestones along my journey. There are moments of joyous celebration just as there are moments of incredible pain. People often say, “It’ll take a bit to get back to normal but you will.” No, I won’t. I won’t get back to that place I was in on Tuesday because on Wednesday something happened. Something changed me. That’s what life does, that’s what experiences do, that’s what creation of all kinds does; it changes you. And even when it aches right in the center of your chest, even when you feel like you have a million questions and no answers, even when you thank God for the people and the love that you do have, even when you promise not to take things for granted, even when you shake your fists to heaven filled with rage, even when you want to run and hide, even when you pray for the pain to go away, you change. You grow; it’s inevitable. That’s what we are all doing here. Good, bad, ugly, glorious we are living life, creating things that reflect what’s inside and letting that process change us. I’m doing that here.

I’m hurt, angry, sad, confused, happy, quiet, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, loved, and a million more things at the same time. Right now, I can’t promise to be anything for anyone but I’m here. I’m present. I brought myself to this page. I was honest. It’s a start.

21 comments:

Felicia Kramer said...

The other day I put a post on my blog that listed seven things about me. One of them was that the older I get the more weepy I get. I'm right now at a friend's cottage in Oscoda, MI for a few days R&R, and we just returned from visiting some gift shops where I actually got teary-eyed at some cards I bought. Then I came home to this and as you can guess I am in tears right now. My heart hurts for you, Natasha, that you had to suffer this loss. But at the same time my heart rejoices that you are able to put your thoughts and feelings and heartaches into words as beautifully as you do.

You don't have to post this if you don't want to, but I just wanted you to know that I am with you in that gamut of emotions you are experiencing right now. ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((BIGGER HUGS))))))))))))))))

Lorrie Veasey said...

Hugs Tash.

aquamaureen said...

If I could get to New York, I'd wrap my arms around you and just hold you, for as long as you wanted. Please know that my heart is WITH you and your precious family. I am deeply honored by all that you shared with us in this post.

And please, please, please, don't resume TST until you are ready. Life comes first.

All my love, dear one.

Black Rose said...

You are so brave and strong. Your strength will help you through. Your emotions are natural and it is good you do not deny how you are feeling. Sending you much, much love and healing thoughts. Val (Black Rose) xx

Kathy said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and you are right...when people say that you will get back to normal, they are wrong. You cannot go back to what "normal" was, because something has changed. What you can do when you are ready is to accept that your "normal" life was one way one day....and a different way the next day.

It doesn't mean that the new "normal" isn't going to be just as wonderful as the old "normal" was....it will just be different...only because it can't possibly be the same. Does that make sense?

Take your time, and do whatever you need to do to work through your loss. It is always hard when things happen and no one can give you a reason. I am like you. I need the "why" and sometimes it just isn't there.

Do what you need to do and over time, your heart will begin to heal...but it has to be in your own time and your own way. Not what someone else feels is the right.

Don't be afraid to seek outside help if you feel you need to do that.

There is no right and no wrong way to mourn. It's personal and it's all okay.

I will certainly be thinking about you and your family.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Not much there to say, but for all it's worth, you made it to another stranger's prayers.

Phoenyx Ravenswing said...

Greetings!

And a huge start it is. :-) So many kudoes to you for the doing. :-)

So much wisdom here, borne of pain tho' it is. Thank you so very much for sharing this piece of your heart with me, with us. Know that it is treasured as the valuable gift that it is. :-)

Captcha = cosie. I wish much coziness for you and yours at this time and always. Make a safe nest for yourself and your family and heal. :-)

Brightest Blessings! :-)
*hugs*
-Bird

paintingpam said...

I can understand all that you have expressed. I too lost a child that would have had a wonderful older brother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

((((HUGS))))

Amanda Fall - PersistentGreen said...

Natasha, there are no words...

I'm beyond proud of you for being able to post this here. That same love and bravery will help keep you strong.

We love you, dear one.

pencio said...

My tender thoughts fly to you.

Rowena said...

Honest is good. Open is good. I don't think anything heals by hiding it.

I'm glad you could share with us, so I could be here to say I am sorry and I am thinking of you.

Natasha said...

I will respond to each person individually in time but I wanted to say thank you for the hug you all gave me with your words. I feel it. And Painting Pam my heart goes out to you..thank you for sharing something so personal. You all mean the more than you'll ever know. Thank you.

Frenzy23 said...

*hug*
You should never have to feel that you can't share deeply personal things. The safehaven you've created here needs to be as safe for you as it is for everyone else you've inspired.
Life experiences always change us. Of course things won't go back to "the way it was," they shouldn't. Every moment affects and shapes our lives, and something of this magnitude should be remembered, grieved, and when ready, faced.

Sharing things says a lot about you. You're brave enough to open up, something that's so difficult some people simply can't do it. But you can, you did, and that's how we all know how strong you are.

When coping with depression, a dear friend of mine told me to take everything one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. Slow down and give your mind the time it deserves to face such a thing. We'll be here to support you, every step of the way.

lisianblue said...

Dear Natasha;

Sending you hugs for you, Brian and your beautiful daughter. I am so sorry. Thank you for trusting us enough to share this - Take care of yourself, sweety.

lifeartdesigns said...

Dear Natasha,
(((((Brian and Natasha)))))).
Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Be good to yourselves and to each other...
Much love,
Janie

Anna Lemons said...

you are strong and vulnerable, you are weak and brave, you are perfectly flawed - just like you were meant to be. Take one day at a time and know that you are in many's thoughts and prayers.

giraffelabel said...

natasha,

i just want to echo the feelings of everyone here - my prayers are with you and your family!

FunkyMonkey Girls said...

*hugs*

Jolene

Jenjen @GottaLoveMom said...

Big hugs and kisses to you my amazing friend...
If you need me, I'm back and I'm just a train ride away..

Ingat (take care in Tagalog).

Rose Works Jewelry said...

I know your not looking for responses - but I just wanted to send you a huge *HUG* and let you know your in my prayers!

ClayItAgain / 12MidnightOils said...

Sending you peace, comfort, and love